I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
