i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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