did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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