like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
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