I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
