The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
