I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
