I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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