I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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