Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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