Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
