...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
