Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
