I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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