I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
