His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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