Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
