I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
