The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
