i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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