I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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