You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
