I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
