M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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