he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So squirting runs in the family.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
