I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
