Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
