please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
