He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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