Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
