roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
