The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
