this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
