On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
