a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
