Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
should my penis look like a turkey
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
