i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
