I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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