I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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