yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
