So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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