sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
