The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I lost the right to judge tonight
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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