And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
