There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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