I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
