My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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