At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
