That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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