Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
