I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
